Independent Power Boat Forum
Welcome To the Independent Power Boat Club (IPBC) Forum Please login to your account
Independent Power Boat Forum

forums.ipbc.org.au


You are not connected. Please login or register

Daily Cup of HAHA

View previous topic View next topic Go down  Message [Page 1 of 1]

1 Daily Cup of HAHA on Sun 18 Apr 2010, 3:07 am

admin

avatar
Admiral of the Fleet
Admiral of the Fleet
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

View user profile

2 Re: Daily Cup of HAHA on Sun 18 Apr 2010, 11:35 am

admin

avatar
Admiral of the Fleet
Admiral of the Fleet
Who's up? Got a good joke that you wish to share? lol!

View user profile

3 Re: Daily Cup of HAHA on Tue 20 Apr 2010, 3:11 pm

doug (tiller steer)


Sub Lieutenant
Sub Lieutenant
a young kiwi bloke is doing his drivers licence test, he's doing very well. the instructor asks the bloke "can you make a u turn"......the kiwi bloke says , "make a yew turn? gee i can make her eyes pop!"........ sorry if its cheap or crass, it made me laugh anyway lol!!

View user profile

4 Re: Daily Cup of HAHA on Tue 20 Apr 2010, 3:14 pm

doug (tiller steer)


Sub Lieutenant
Sub Lieutenant
may i also say , no offence to the kiwis out there , i am one mainly lol! im always lookin for a funnier one than the last. makes a great comeback sometimes!

View user profile

5 Re: Daily Cup of HAHA on Fri 23 Apr 2010, 10:02 am

flagfall

avatar
Sub Lieutenant
Sub Lieutenant
SOME WEIRD QUESTIONS!!!

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there
is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw
a revolver at him?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing
here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem
longer?

Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast
to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?


Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream ??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from ?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . .. . . .. .


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

View user profile

6 Re: Daily Cup of HAHA on Fri 23 Apr 2010, 2:59 pm

flagfall wrote:SOME WEIRD QUESTIONS!!!

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there
is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw
a revolver at him?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing
here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem
longer?

Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast
to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?


Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream ??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from ?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . .. . . .. .


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
geez you need a boat to work on.you have too much time on your hands. Laughing

View user profile

7 Re: Daily Cup of HAHA on Fri 23 Apr 2010, 3:26 pm

doug (tiller steer)


Sub Lieutenant
Sub Lieutenant
he can work on mine.... i need someone to rub her down 0_o

View user profile

8 Re: Daily Cup of HAHA on Sat 24 Apr 2010, 1:37 am

admin

avatar
Admiral of the Fleet
Admiral of the Fleet
This is one of my Fav's
The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer..

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

View user profile

9 Re: Daily Cup of HAHA on Sat 24 Apr 2010, 4:23 am

The Spook

avatar
Admiral
Admiral
You're a worry admin

Spook

View user profile

10 Re: Daily Cup of HAHA on Sat 24 Apr 2010, 4:31 am

admin

avatar
Admiral of the Fleet
Admiral of the Fleet
Whats your best Joke Spook

View user profile

11 Re: Daily Cup of HAHA on Sun 25 Apr 2010, 2:44 am

The Spook

avatar
Admiral
Admiral
Paddy, has come out from Ireland to live in Australia and he's looking for a job. He goes to Centerlink and they tell him to go and see Energy Australia as they have some vacancies.

So over he goes to Energy Australia and talks to the people in Admin who tell him that, yes we do have a job vacancy as a power pole installer, he can start tomorrow.

The next day he arrives at work and they give him his list of jobs and off he goes, he works like a trojan putting in two power poles for the day. When he gets back to the depot at the end of the day he thinks he's done a really good job. The boss asks him how he went and he proudly anounces that he has put in two power poles today.

The boss looks around and points to another power pole installer and says but Paddy, Fred over there, he's put in eight power poles today.

Paddy looks at the boss and proudly announces " to be sure, to be sure, he's put in eight power poles today, but do you see how much he leaves sticking out of the ground".

Spook

View user profile

12 Re: Daily Cup of HAHA on Mon 26 Apr 2010, 8:11 am

flagfall

avatar
Sub Lieutenant
Sub Lieutenant
Dead ahead, through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light on a collision course with his ship.
He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."
"Change yours ten degrees west," comes the reply.
The captain responds, "I'm a United States Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman second class," the next message reads. "Change your course, sir."
The captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
"I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

View user profile

13 Re: Daily Cup of HAHA on Sun 02 May 2010, 11:18 am

admin

avatar
Admiral of the Fleet
Admiral of the Fleet
Come on who's got a Joke?

View user profile

14 FUNNY (M15+) on Sun 02 May 2010, 11:26 am

flagfall

avatar
Sub Lieutenant
Sub Lieutenant

View user profile

15 Re: Daily Cup of HAHA on Sun 03 Oct 2010, 4:17 am

admin

avatar
Admiral of the Fleet
Admiral of the Fleet
A Fisherman's Tale
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.

He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.

The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

View user profile

16 Re: Daily Cup of HAHA on Sat 12 Feb 2011, 1:37 am

admin

avatar
Admiral of the Fleet
Admiral of the Fleet
COPPER WIRE

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times stated:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Western Australia's Dept of Minerals and Energy reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in the Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found “absolutely f**k all”. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

Doesn’t it just make you bloody proud to be Australian!

View user profile

17 Re: Daily Cup of HAHA on Sat 12 Feb 2011, 1:44 am

admin

avatar
Admiral of the Fleet
Admiral of the Fleet
Young Vs Old

View user profile

18 Re: Daily Cup of HAHA on Sat 12 Feb 2011, 1:52 am

admin

avatar
Admiral of the Fleet
Admiral of the Fleet
A mother and her young son were flying Virgin Blue from Brisbane to
Melbourne. The son (who had been looking out the window turned to his
mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby
cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs
have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have
baby planes?'

The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'
The boy admitted that this was the case.
'Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Virgin Blue always pulls out on time. Ask your mother to explain that to you.

View user profile

19 Re: Daily Cup of HAHA on Wed 16 Feb 2011, 7:55 am

admin

avatar
Admiral of the Fleet
Admiral of the Fleet
This was a conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in late 1995.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south
to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north
to avoid a collision.


Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.


Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,

divert YOUR course.



Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.


Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second

largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We


are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers


and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change


your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's

one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.


Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

View user profile

20 Re: Daily Cup of HAHA on Thu 24 Mar 2011, 11:55 pm

admin

avatar
Admiral of the Fleet
Admiral of the Fleet
Tony was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Tony has been missing since Friday.

View user profile

21 Twin Turbo Hamster on Thu 31 Jan 2013, 2:17 pm

admin

avatar
Admiral of the Fleet
Admiral of the Fleet

View user profile

22 Re: Daily Cup of HAHA on Fri 12 Apr 2013, 10:22 am

admin

avatar
Admiral of the Fleet
Admiral of the Fleet

View user profile

Sponsored content


View previous topic View next topic Back to top  Message [Page 1 of 1]

Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum